The Science of Being Alone After a Breakup (According to Me)

February 17, 2021

By Sheyenne Nelson

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The Science of Being Alone After a Breakup (According to Me)

Society teaches us that the fastest and easiest way to get over someone, is to pick up a rebound. It may provide some instant relief, but is it really the most healthy way to deal in the long run? 

Don’t look for instant gratification in someone else.

When my relationship first ended, I had countless friends telling me I needed a quick-fix or a hookup to break the ice, and help me get over everything my ex had put me through. I tried, I really did. I went to the nether-regions of the app world, and downloaded Tinder, hoping to find some decent human to ease the heartbreak. However, I was met with nothing but “sups” and creepy, questionable messages that left me feeling like I needed to take a million showers. 

I went on a couple dates, that went decently well, yet there was still this hole in my chest that even the interaction with another guy couldn’t fill. I just couldn’t figure out why this approach wasn’t working for me.

And then I took a step back.

What makes it even harder is learning that your ex is doing exactly what people have been telling you to do. He was getting with people the day after things with us ended, and I soon discovered he had begun “talking” to someone else. This shouldn’t have shocked me, since I knew he was one to jump from relationship to relationship. 

But man, it still hurt like hell.

I started feeling like I was the loser, like I was stuck on him.

But I soon realized, with the help of my best friend, that just wasn’t the case.

Here’s why taking some time for yourself, and giving yourself space and time after a breakup actually makes you better (and makes you the winner). It’s a reminder that I need for myself constantly.

  1. This proves that you are comfortable and confident enough in yourself to not need validation from another human. He isn’t. He is insecure, and he isn’t happy with himself, so he needs that security of another person, because he probably can’t stand to look at himself in the mirror.
  2. You actually aren’t hung up on him at all. The reason he is replacing you so quickly is because he misses you, and the only way he knows how to get over you is to fill your spot with someone. She isn’t better, or prettier, or smarter. She doesn’t have more love to give.
  3. You can take some time to focus on yourself. What are your goals and your dreams? What’s something you haven’t done in a while that you miss doing? Get yourself together. Get better, get stronger, get healthy.
  4. You figure out what you like (and don’t like). I couldn’t even remember what my favorite ice cream was after him, because I was so used to eating whatever flavor was his favorite. I wasn’t able to tell you what my current favorite song was, because we always listened to his. I didn’t know what my ideal Friday night consisted of, because we always did what he wanted.
  5. You have no one holding you back. He was literally keeping you from your dreams. He was keeping you stagnant. You didn’t like the person you were becoming, and now, you get to bloom into your full, beautiful potential.
  6. You make room for someone better. He was blocking you from finding your actual person. The one God put on this planet just for you. Now, you are free when the right one comes along.
  7. You do what YOU want. Saturdays are now for the girls. You get to eat what you want, leave the party when you want, wear whatever you want. There is no one to tell you no, or how you should live. You read all the true crime books you want, and watch the show on Netflix he always said was stupid. Take that beach trip solo.
  8. You get happy. You get strong. I cannot tell you how many people have said to me, “you look and seem SO much happier.” I’ve noticed it myself. I don’t have this negative energy constantly resting on my shoulders. 

Get comfortable in your own company.

This isn’t about how it looks to other people. It isn’t about him finding out that you’re fine on your own (but if he does, that’s just an added bonus).

This is about you. For the first time in a long time, life is all about you.

Wear that “single” title like a badge of honor.

Because girl, you are so damn tough. 

Living in a society that conditions us to believe that single is lonely, is really hard. It’s hard when you hang around your friends who are all in relationships, or are happily married.

It’s hard to see the kissing, the hand-holding, the love.

But it’s even harder to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value or appreciate you.

It’s even harder to waste your life and your love on someone who isn’t worth it.

As Mayday Parade once said, “save your heart for someone that’s worth dying for.”

Don’t go looking for a short-term fix to a long-term problem.

Get happy with yourself. Because you are the only person who can fill that void. And expecting someone else to be able to do it for you is just setting yourself up for more heartbreak.

Get yourself better. Get stronger. Focus on your goals, and the rest will follow.

You will fall in love again. Maybe it’ll be the wrong person again, and maybe it won’t be.

Please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t rush. Don’t go looking for a one-night stand. Don’t listen to those friends who persistently try to set you up, or keep telling you that it’s the only way you’ll get over it. 

Because it just isn’t true.

He is probably miserable, trying and failing to fill the void that was once you. Trying to force the sun to shine again the way that you once did. 

But it won’t. It really is his loss. He had the best thing, the thing that loved him without question, and he let it go.

And that is on him.

It isn’t your job to fix him. It’s your job to fix you.

So breathe. Take a huge deep breath in, and just let it out. Find yourself first, and then someone wonderful will find you.

For some of my favorite self-care tips, check out this post.

All the love that you need right now,


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This article is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. These statements have not been evaluated by the Federal Food & Drug Administration. These information and products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.